As I was driving today, I was struck with the need to write
a year in review of my 37th year.
As far as years go, I would say that it was about as tumultuous as they
come. The lows were much lower than
anyone can prepare for, but the moments of self-discovery were equally high. To recount the last 12 months blow by blow
seems to do the overall time period a disservice. The physical changes are easily
recounted. I lost a wife, a family, a
house, friends, and a number of material items that are paltry
comparatively. I gained a new city, a
new set of friends, membership into groups that have changed my life, and I
have run farther than I ever had before.
The personal changes that I have experienced along the way are much
harder to name, but in no way less important. At this moment the most important of these changes is that I have attained a feeling of freedom and wildness. Not a lack of responsibility, but a
carefreeness that permeates deep. I
compare it to what it must feel like to be a grizzly. They still have things they must do to survive
and ensure that their offspring know how to be grizzlies, but they are allowed
the freedom within their world to exist.
They explore at will. They know
no fences or labels or restrictions on who they are. The most pressing concern is the next scent
in the air. To wander through the world
feeling like it all belongs to me, is empowering. The beauty of everything my gaze touches
belongs to me. The love contained within
every creature and object is mine in the moment that we are in the same space
at the same time. The feelings of
wildness are what stand out to me the most in the past 12 months.
As I move forward, it is this that I want to hang on to. I
know my 38th year on this planet will be equally restive. That is the nature of where I am in my
life. As relationships, responsibilities
and goals change with the tide of life, I will remain wild. I will hang onto the ability to find myself
and peace in every thing. As the Kratt
brothers say, I belong “living free and in the wild.”
As a post-script, "wild" doesn't mean the same thing at 38 it did at 28. I think that is clear, but thought I would lay that out there. While there is the occasional overlap in meanings, "wild" like most everything at 38 is a much more deep and rich experience.
