One of the things that all of the upheaval in my life has done is make me wonder who I am. I have always thought of myself in one way. When I look in the mirror I still see the 26 yr old Seth. I see a young, attractive, outgoing, gregarious, friendly person that can make friends any where and feel comfortable in any setting. When I moved into an entirely new set of surroundings I took this view of myself with me. I am realizing that I am an older, less outgoing, even shy introvert that is having a hard time fitting in in my new locale. I had started being able to talk to random people in relatively quiet settings. Some had even started calling me by name, but I found that I could only strike up a conversation after a couple of beers to loosen me up.
I guess this whole "questioning myself" was brought forth on Wed. Wed was May Day, or International Worker's Day. I heard on the radio about a picnic in my park on Wed afternoon. I walked down there after work. When I got there, the cops were there with video cameras and still-frame cameras taking pictures of the people that were there. It was mostly a bunch of hippies that were laying in the grass or talking at picnic tables. When I showed up the tension was already pretty high. I started talking to one guy that didn't really want anything to do with me. I knew that I didn't really look like anyone there, and I had made a mistake in wearing a MO Beef Council race t-shirt (don't advertise beef in a group of vegans). The leader eventually came over and began asking where I was from, where I had heard about it and stuff like that. That is when I realized they thought I was a cop. So now, not only are the cops taking my picture, but the group I tried to go hang out with was too. I was there for a while, but felt really out of place. Eventually, I had enough. I went and shook the hand of the guy that came over and talked to me and told him that I didn't really fit in just left. As I was walking back to my apartment I really began to struggle with who I thought I was. The only friends that I have are out in the burbs. They don't think like me. They don't act like me. They don't eat like me, but they don't care. I love city life, but I'm pretty sure most of the people on my block think I'm a cop, too.
Maybe, I have been part of a family for so long that, when that is gone, it can really mess with one's own identity. For 15 yrs I have identified myself by who I was with. For 8 yrs I have identified myself as a dad and husband. I am still a dad, but for 5 days a week I am just me. Being me at times can be scary. Not because I am manic or depressive, but because it is a struggle trying to figure that guy out. In all of my new pursuits this week, I just kept feeling more outside. I struggled to try to connect. I kept seeing flaws and things I didn't like in everyone around me. Am I going to be the crazy guy rocking in his chair while he scribbles poetry down? Am I the crazy lady that gesticulates wildly while reading a work that is a random selection of words crammed onto an index card? Am I going to be the crazy religious people loudly proseltyzing any non-believers or "sinful" people? Am I going to want more and more crap and space even though I have no need for it? Am I going to let myself fall back into a consumerists mindset? (that is if I ever even got out) But I figure that if I keep thinking that everyone around me is crazy, maybe it's not everyone around me. Maybe it's me. I just want to find peace and happiness again. I want to feel comfortable and relaxed and joyful.
I guess I have no choice but to keep doing what I am doing. Trying new things and not giving up when I feel discouraged. Other than the socialist picnics, I am going to poetry on Wed, Help the Homeless on Thurs and going to free shows. I feel like I have lost sight of my inner self temporarily. But if I just keep trying, it will emerge eventually. I am 37. I am divorced. I am a father to 2 wonderful kids. I am living in neighborhood that I love. I am a RUS. I am figuring out the rest. Anything worth having comes with effort. That includes me. One bad day or week isn't the end. It will pass. Everything passes.
"death is not happening" - some Tibetan monk
"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes." ~Walt Whitman
ReplyDeleteDiscovering yourself is scary and wonderful. And never ends, I'm told. I certainly hope not.
And another: "The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been." ~Madeleine L'Engle
Since we're using quotes for this one, I've got one I've liked for the last few years: “If a man should register all his opinions upon love, politics, religion, learning, etc., beginning from his youth, and so go on to old age, what a bundle of inconsistencies and contradictions would appear at last.” Jonathan Swift
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