Year # 37 (Year of the Grizzly)

As I was driving today, I was struck with the need to write a year in review of my 37^th year.  As far as years go, I would say that it was about as tumultuous as they come.  The lows were much lower than anyone can prepare for, but the moments of self-discovery were equally high.  To recount the last 12 months blow by blow seems to do the overall time period a disservice.  The physical changes are easily recounted.  I lost a wife, a family, a house, friends, and a number of material items that are paltry comparatively.  I gained a new city, a new set of friends, membership into groups that have changed my life, and I have run farther than I ever had before.  The personal changes that I have experienced along the way are much harder to name, but in no way less important.  At this moment the most important of these changes is that I have attained a feeling of freedom and wildness.  Not a lack of responsibility, but a carefreeness that permeates deep.  I compare it to what it must feel like to be a grizzly.  They still have things they must do to survive and ensure that their offspring know how to be grizzlies, but they are allowed the freedom within their world to exist.  They explore at will.  They know no fences or labels or restrictions on who they are.  The most pressing concern is the next scent in the air.  To wander through the world feeling like it all belongs to me, is empowering.  The beauty of everything my gaze touches belongs to me.  The love contained within every creature and object is mine in the moment that we are in the same space at the same time.  The feelings of wildness are what stand out to me the most in the past 12 months. 

As I move forward, it is this that I want to hang on to. I know my 38^th year on this planet will be equally restive.  That is the nature of where I am in my life.  As relationships, responsibilities and goals change with the tide of life, I will remain wild.  I will hang onto the ability to find myself and peace in every thing.  As the Kratt brothers say, I belong “living free and in the wild.”

As a post-script, "wild" doesn't mean the same thing at 38 it did at 28.  I think that is clear, but thought I would lay that out there.  While there is the occasional overlap in meanings, "wild" like most everything at 38 is a much more deep and rich experience.