I was sitting outside at a coffee shop this morning enjoying a lovely cup of coffee and gooey butter cake. I would look up from my book occasionally to watch the people pass. On this peaceful morning there were many couples at various stages of their life. There were the young parents pushing or holding babies. The parents of older kids that reminded me of what my family used to look like. Old couples, young couples and every variation in between. As I watched them, I began to feel the familiar pangs of loneliness. I do get lonely sometimes. Maybe even a lot. But I am the biggest impediment to finding relational bliss, if that even exists. Once I find myself in a relationship (of any kind really) I bolt. Once the relationship starts to blossom I begin to feel the gate swinging shut behind me and panic. It's ridiculous really. I can blow off the destruction of another heart as their inability to love me for who I am. Demanding that they recognize that I can't be fenced in. And if they have a problem with that, washing my hands of the affair and beginning the cycle again.
I have tried to sit with my loneliness to figure out what it is trying to teach me. Why do I drive myself to loneliness only to pine that I can't be loved. And then I realize that I am bat shit crazy. I struggle to continue to struggle. I don't know how to stop either. In my subconscious mind, I am sabotaging nearly everything in my life because through suffering and struggle comes enlightenment. But to be honest I don't even know what that means. But I digress.
I am pretty sure that I am world's best "friend maker." I love these girls and they love me, but I am completely incapable of letting that love grow into something more substantial. The thought of giving up even a small bit of myself sends chills down my spine. And by that I don't mean changing who I am but just even being considerate of another's feelings. Staying in when I want to go out or going out when I want to stay in.
I don't know why I wanted to share this with you all today. It is just fresh and acutely painful today, as I have again pooped on a girl that I love. The loneliness and longing seem to be my life long companions. Not always sitting beside me, but never out of sight.
Oh well, Here's to more friends than enemies!
As I was reading this ( http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/05/a-take-no-sht-list-for-your-well-being/ ) article, I realized that that feeling of the gate swinging shut is not a bad thing. Hopefully, it's a red flag that I continue to listen to. I am still in the state of attracting the same codependent, wounded soul that I am. So, moving forward alone. I have known a lot of men who get stuck in that position though. And although happy and free, they all talk about loneliness. Ah yes, what a peculiar life I have ahead of me.
ReplyDeleteGood to know your thoughts, as always. I empathize with the struggle to keep struggling, stuck in the same familiar and hurtful pattern, thinking we may have found an answer and then... not. I've had some victories in my struggles, I am the same person but at times can be more loving to myself and others - and this has happened only in the context of relationship - friendships, parenting, family relationships. The problem is the answer and the answer is the problem. WTF?
ReplyDeleteI find particular help lately in the ideas of Steps 1-3 of AA's 12 steps - this whole idea that on my own I can't do it, that there is a higher power (defined by each of us differently, the the common belief is that a higher power is something outside of ourselves, whether nature, friends, God, groups, books etc) and that higher power is able to be of help to me. Not advice giving, just sharing what's been helpful for me lately, or at least something I've been pondering even though I don't know for sure if I've really allowed a higher power enough access to my soul to be of much help - if that makes sense. Love you!