Gratitude

It has come to my attention recently how good the people around me are for me.  I have seen that it is necessary to put healthy people around me to help me act in an appropriate way.  The support that I have received from both friends and family has been surprisingly impressive.  The gifts of time, support, love and material goods has made me feel loved and appreciated.  It has helped me untangle from the negative aspects of my life and focus on the good parts of all of it.  I would say that I have had an optimistic view throughout this long process, but occasionally I find myself amazed at the emotional progress that is possible when you are in a healthy environment.  It makes me want to redouble my efforts to get the rest of my family to STL.  By extricating myself from an unhealthy job I have begun to see the areas of my work life that have suffered from my codependent spiral of the last few years.  By no longer being surrounded by all of the various unhealthy relationships I am able to begin to see the ways in which I was responsible for my current situation and how to ensure that I will never again return there.  On my first night in an empty, dark apartment, with no furniture, no internet, very little light and six pack of Natty light I sat in a lawn chair in the middle of my living room.  I told myself to focus on the pain and loneliness.  I never want to forget that feeling.  I never want to get lazy enough, sick enough or dumb enough to put myself in this position again.  It is still lonely.  It is still painful, but I know that this is the worst.  I will regain my strength.  I will regain my ability to give and receive a healthy and true love.  I am rediscovering my juicy nougat, the good stuff that is me.  The best parts of me.  I am rediscovering that I can be a responsible, mature adult without being old.  I am relearning what is required of me to function on a daily basis.  I am learning to ask for what I need and to give what is required.  It gives me great hope for not only me, but for everyone involved.  This is by far the most painful adventure I have ever undertaken.  But it is by far going to be the most rewarding.  With the many pitfalls and trials that lay ahead, I can focus on these times of hope and reflect on those times of pain with fondness. I will take advantage of the opportunities that I have been given and the rediscovery of good people in my life.