Lean into the point

I am feeling a bit scared and sad this afternoon.  I have realized that the books I have read about codependency were right.  It is not something that recognition alone can alleviate the suffering.  The recovery is where it feels the real work begins.  Understanding why I have behaved the way I have for basically my whole life does not change that behavior.  It is up to me to do that.  I am set to sign on an apartment later this week. That returning realization that nothing can ever be the same brings with it the sadness and fear.  I am determined not to dull the point this time.  I am determined to feel the fear and sadness with an understanding that it comes and goes.  I am determined not to let guilt take over my feeling of excitement.  I am determined not to continue to be a human wrecking ball.  I am determined not to use inappropriate crutches just to alleviate the hurt that comes with this kind of change.  I will get back to looking these things straight in the eye and dealing with them honestly.  Honest with myself and everyone around me.  I have been trying to allow those that love me and care for me do just that.  Knowing full well that I cannot at this time repay anything close to what is being given to me.  I have no idea what I am doing, but I know that I have to figure this out for myself.  I know that I will slip up again and I know that I will forgive myself, ask for forgiveness and begin again.  Lean into the point.  I tell myself that 40 times a day.  Lean into the point.