The Caretaker

I have always thought of myself as being the caretaker of any relationship I was in.  I always thought that I was the one that made sure that things were good.  Whether it was my marriage, a friendship, a familial relationship I thought of myself as doing the work to keep everyone happy.  If that sounds odd to you, the reader, I am no longer shocked.  As I look at myself honestly I can see that being taken care of has been a theme for me. I felt the most ""loved and appreciated" if someone else was doing what I should have been doing for myself.  I have always laughed it off as, "I just don't pay attention to detail" or "I am looking at the big picture, being creative."  In retrospect this is a recipe for disaster.  Why would someone want to take care of their own business and mine because I my head was in the clouds?  As I now struggle to do just that, I can more fully understand the strain that I put on my relationships by being incapable of behaving as an adult.  That is certainly an area of focus for me now.  Accepting help when needed and being taken care of is still a fuzzy area for me and yet such a contradiction.  I have always prided myself on not needing any help.  I built a corral by myself, I bred my cows or loaded pigs or chased other guy's cows around stanchion barns because I didn't need any help.  While at the same time being seemingly unable to have any idea where I was spending money or how to make anything other than frozen pizza or know when to go to the dr or how to even groom myself until specifically directed to do it.  I have changed some of these things and am working very hard to change the others.  Becoming an independent, functional adult seems like a ridiculous goal at the age of 37, but it is certainly one of mine.
I don't feel like there is any resolution in this post.  It doesn't end neatly or with words of wisdom gained from some sage.  Because it is so much of my struggle, I think that I won't have any resolution on this point for some time.  Without the situation I now find myself in, I would never have even tried.  There is no point in "if onlys," so I will move forward into my struggle with a little bit more resolve.  With a more determination that I won't make more discoveries too late.